Love, Respect and Tolerance are the Keys of Marriage
10 Principles on a Compromise Dialogue BetweenSpouses
PRINCIPLE 1: TELL
Tell everything you can think of, express your concerns, your fears, and your wishes. For your partner to give importance to important issues, you need to put out your preferences.
Sharing your feelings openly creates a bond of intimacy between you. This makes the bond between each other stronger and deeper. You can also increase a likelihood that your partner will listen to you with understanding by taking yourself seriously and paying respect to your feelings and thoughts.
Do tell: giving tips or indirect communication is a strategy that is more risky and less likely to gain. Expressing feelings and wishes clearly is always more effective.- Avoid hope and curiosity: hoping that your spouse will read your mind will confuse both you and your partner: the same as you thought you read your spouse’s mind. The alternative to hope and curiosity is to tell and ask.
- Beware of “You know, I think”:when you think that you have expressed your thoughts on a certain subject before, you start saying 'You know, I think'. However, it’s more right that you express your thoughts directly rather than starting with “You know, I think”, because the other one is a critical method and makes the person in front of you to immediately defend himself.
- "Say what you want, not what you don’t want“: you can express your concerns by saying what you do not want, but in this way you do not express what you want. Telling someone what you don't want can be compared with giving him a film’s negative instead of giving a colorful photograph. So instead of giving your spouse a negative, give him/her a positive by telling what you want.
- “Ask, not complain”: complaints focus on the past, create despair. Requests express your preferences and focus on your future behavior and guide you to correct your current situation.
PRINCIPLE 2: EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS
Your feelings are important information you should share with your partner. At the same time, we need to take our emotions as a starting point for our thoughts. Feelings, thoughts and actions are not separated: these three are at work. When you become aware of a feeling, you need to think carefully about that feeling before you can properly assess the message you receive. If you can use your emotions in this way, they will guide you in understanding what your concerns, fears, and preferences are.
- “Emotions are a single word”: “I feel” means that you are in a number of emotions. You put a label on your emotion such as shame, joy, anger, disgust and take the first step by focusing on it.
- ”I feel that you…“especially pay attention to your expressions: "I feel that you are not sleeping enough," is not the expression of a feeling, but a word spoken about the person in front of you. It causes the opposite person to pass on to the defense immediately, because it shows that a critique is on the way. The solution is to express thoughts before feelings.
- “Form your emotions into words not actions”: expressing emotions in words rather than in actions reduces the risk of misunderstandings and makes your partner's reactions sincere.
- “Stop using a provocative language”:the more intense language you use emotionally, the more intense your partner's responses will be. The more emotional you both are, the more likely you are to see each other as enemies, regardless of the subject you are discussing.
Try not to say: “You're making me feel …. myself”,for example " you make me feel bad, and I don't know what to do.” A sentence like that is an accusation, not a way of expressing your feelings. Such an expression puts the responsibility of your feelings on the shoulders of the person who listens to you. However, the phrase “I feel bad” is not an accusation that defines the situation that you live.
PRINCIPLE 3 ENTER PROHIBITED
You shouldn't talk about your wife's thoughts. It’s very important to talk about your own thoughts and ask your partner's thoughts, but by talking about your partner's thoughts, you force the limit between your own feelings and thoughts and your partner's personal feelings and thoughts.
Talking about your partner puts your partner's autonomy at risk, and an unusual situation arises as if you were a single person rather than a single individual. Individuals do not want to lose their independent identity. Comments about your partner's thoughts, while the conflict between you causesthe question about your partner's concerns or thoughts, you are closer to each other.
“Stop breaching the border and gain an insight”: speaking on behalf of someone else means telling them what to do or how to feel, forcing those people to limit their boundaries. Such border infringements occur without realizing it, and the price of a reverse reaction is very high.Just remember that you need to talk about yourself and ask your partner about it.Every time you realize that you are in violation with the border, you can get the ability to gain insight if you know how to direct your feelings and thoughts to yourself immediately.
Type of border violations:trying to read minds, trying to read emotions, sticking them to labels,criticizing them, giving advice or managing them.
- “Solve conversations that have become blighted”:the term "blighted" is used for mixed situations where spouses express each other's feelings and thoughts.If you are talking about what your partner thinks of yourself and your partner behaves the same way, the dialogue between you will become unresolved over time,so to solve this dialogue,start by saying ”Me”in your sentences, and just talk about your own feelings and thoughts, or ask your partner a question.
- Be careful not to say “Us”:”us” is a word that masks the fact that you are two autonomous individuals and have different feelings and thoughts.When talking about feelings or thoughts, using the name of us can cause tension.
- The sentences starting with “When you...I”:I didn't know what to do when you didn't set up the table.The sentences starting like this prove that your partner gives you the opportunity to continue your dialogue without violating your borders.
PRINCIPLE 4:NO AIR POLLUTION
Your humiliating comments about your partner cause pollution of the atmosphere between you.Any message can be given to the other person in a neutral way,telling them that you care about it, or a poisonous way that means “I don't love you”.Your tone of voice can tell you that you are cheerful,enjoying,or satisfying,or that you disapprove of something, that you mocked, or that you didn't like anything at all. It’s also possible to poison the other person with the hidden meanings that sometimes used words evoke.Poisonous comments provoke your wife’sbeliefs. And it can cause you to drift apart from each other. These interpretations lead to your love for one of your strengths, hurting one another, and causing damage to your self-esteem and marriage.
“Give information about what happened,do not criticize”:getting information about what you are doing is like seeing yourself in a mirror from a different angle. It gives you choices about how to behave. Getting information about your behavior always causes positive changes. Criticism is like a poisonous needle. It hurts your feelings and makes you defensive.
- “avoid toxic border violations”:comments that violate your partner's limits will lead him to self-defense,because these comments have exceeded his limits. When you interpret your partner in a negative way,you will see that he immediately passes for defense, because you have damaged his self-esteem. Such toxic border violations also cause anxiety,anger and adverse reactions.
- “give up toxic border violations,act kindly and try to gain insight”:antidote to border violations,having inner vision is passing by knowing yourself,expressing your thoughts and feelings,compassion is the art of seeing your partner in the best possible way. When you recognize your partner's good intentions and positive behavior, we treat him with compassion and understanding.
PRINCIPLE 5: LISTEN TO LEARN
Firstlisten to what your partner says to see if it's true,useful, and logical. If your goal is to understand what your partner is saying,you are listening to the information he or she provides to you. The purpose of your listening is to acquire the information to listen to the object of listening, to listen to objection. If you are listening to find out what is wrong with your partner,you are deprived of valuable information and the relationship between you becomes a contention.
- beware of ”But”: the but word deletes everything said before at a time. If you start with a sentence that starts with a comment about yourself,you mean that you refuse to accept the information your partner has provided to you. If you get an answer that starts with “but”to anything you say,you feel uncomfortable thinking that what you say is not taken into account.
- use “and” instead of “but”: ”but” is the antidote, the word ”and” is a sign that you will add something new to your words: “but” means that you will get some of your words back. “and” and “or” at the same time, etc.
- “exercise in listening carefully” attention is similar to a job. When listening carefully, you focus on what your partner says to you. Couples can be negligent about listening to their spouses while they are talking. In a careful listening, the spouses listen to each other's words sincerely.
- “Listening is safer”.
- “Try not to listen like a prosecutor“
- “Try not to listen like a detective“
- “Try not to listen like a judge”
- “Make sure you hear”
- "Make strategic iterations”
PRINCIPLE 6: LISTEN TO EMOTIONS
Emotions carry important messages. The words speak the truth: “flavor” –positive or negative,internal or injured,threatening or enjoyable – and thus allow you to respond to these realities.The sun may be shining outside, but it’s your emotional state that will allow you to go out and walk in the sun. Emotions are often not required. Emotions, such as friendship or seriousness, are always kept in the background and ignored.
- "show him empathy “
- “it’s safe to listen to your emotions”
PRINCIPLE 7: LISTEN TO BOTHSIDES
Both your partner’s and yoursability to listen to your voice,especially when making an action plan is very useful. It’s important for one to be important for the other at the moment. So they give each other the message, “you're important to me. “ the most important skill couples have to gain for their marriage to work is two-sided listening”.
- “Try not to make excessive sacrifice”
- "raise sounds equally”
- “try not to bully”
PRINCIPLE 8: TOUCH YOUR DIALOGUES
Those who are successful in dialogue communicate their dialogue:each of them has its own perspective,together with the other's perspective, and a new vision emerges from the one and only understanding. That way, there's a consensus when you're talking. In a tactile dialogue, there are the following conditions.
- Listen carefully while your partner is talking
-Repeate the information you received aloud
-Add your own opinion about it while your partner listens to you carefully
- “share your concerns”
- "good listeners interfere into conversation”
- “slow moving is always fast”
- “avoid generalizations when repeating conversations“
PRINCIPLE 9: PAY ATTENTION TO FOUR FEATURES
An effective dialogue has four important features.
- “Provide symmetry”
The symmetry in a dialogue is how much each person talks. If spouses talk in equal amounts, they're getting symmetry.
- “Talk briefly”
- “Special topics share”
- “Summarize conversations”
PRINCIPLE 10: CONTROLTHE AIR
Couples have a chance to control the mood of their relationships,even if they face stress and tension. Whether your general conditions are problematic or calm, you can pretty much control your own situation as a couple. We'll call it Air Control.
- Check the words you use
- Take a break if you get excited
- Plan exit and entry routes
-Keep the moments of fatigue, hunger, illness and depression under control.
