Every Couple Have Different Stories on Love and Caring
How Close relationships, Love and Attraction Begin
Let's start from the beginning. The seeds of a future marriage fruit or oleander flower are thrown in the first place.
People can meet in many different ways and places. The first encounter of men and women when finding each other is being attractive, even beautiful, and then whether a friend or a passionate love between them will be based on many different factors.Psychologically, the first step towards a relationship is the desire to approach one of the interpersonal attractions. Love with attraction is not the same thing.
Attraction does not guarantee that love will develop, but it opens the way. In this section I will describe the first step in relationships, the factors that cause people to find each other attractive or repulsive. As you already know, the person we find attractive may not be the right partner, the one who follows the principle "listen to your heart"may be in a difficult situation!
We like those who are by our side
"Does being in similar environments have an effect on the development of love?"
Meeting people doesn't mean we're gonna love them, but to love someone, we have to meet them first, right? Our friends are mostly among the people we live in the same apartment, neighborhood, school or at work. Many people eventually marry someone they meet in the close neighborhood. When we first apply to the university, people who are completely lucky to fall into the same room become friends after a while. Of course, people who are close to us can also turn into people we hate.
It's hard to hate a person we never knew! If there are real conflicts between us and the person who is close to us, the more closeness the more conflicts will increase. On the other hand, being away for a long time negatively affects the connection. Therefore, divorce among married couples who do not live together for any reason is more common than those who live together. As our forefathers say, out of sight, out of mind. Balance should be mentioned as in every issue. It's not like living like a stuck twin, or trying to maintain a relationship without seeing someone for long periods of time. Both of them are relationships that will result in a breakdown.
We all have choices about how much physical distance we're going to leave between us and other people. This choice varies from individual to individual in a way that is affected by cultural and situational factors. We call this safe distance between us and other people as personal space. Personal space is another factor that affects interpersonal attraction. When someone gets closer to us than we expect or want, it affects the attraction between us and this person. In a study, male researchers live either too close to the male subject (15 cm) or at normal distance (75 cm). Half of the experiments are close to the subject and friendly, while the other half are vulgar and clearly not friendly. According to the results of this research, entering our personal space intensifies our first reaction to someone.
We love the person who is close to us and who acts as friends more than the person who is close to us. We love less than those who are close to us and are far from us. As in proximity, personal field violations determine the intensity of our emotions, not the negative or positive responses.
Proximity recognition is necessary for the formation. Of course, being with someone doesn't guarantee that we'll get in touch with that person more often. There is an opinion among the public that frequent negotiations will lead to disrespect. But research says the opposite. Only frequent encounters with someone cause positive reactions to that thing or person. In a research, the objects met with each other fot no longer than 35 seconds and without speaking. Just meeting increases the attraction. The objects love what they see more often.
Of course, the power of recognition is unlimited. According to one opinion, too much recognition can reduce attraction. For example, stresses and tensions brought by adaptation to a foreign culture in student exchange programs result in increase of negative attitudes towards that country as the duration of stay increases. If the person we meet reminds us of some negativity, frequent interviews can lead to obvious provocation and discontent.
Age of woman and man
What should be the ideal age of men and women thatconsider each other fot marriage? Is there an ideal age to get married?
Today, we see that men and women who prioritize careers are getting married at an ever later age. In my opinion, the prolongation of the single years leads to some difficulties when marriage occurs. Our lives are basically three areas. Our family, our job and our personal life. The balance between these three areas is very important. The individual lives of late-married people are enriched, hobbies are developed, and there are many ways to spend time alone. This means that one of the three areas is hypertrophied (over-growth). When marriage occurs, it makes it difficult for the time allocated to the spouse and children.
If this situation is not met, problems arise in marriage. In particular, the special tastes and hobbies of the married man or woman can gain a lot of importance at this point. We'll talk about hobbies in the future. When married at an early age, women and men can develop hobbies together and plan leisure activities together. Of course, we're not talking about marriage here at very early ages. Very early marriage can cause a woman’s career and her professional life to be pushed backward and become dependent on a man. Especially in our country, it’s not easy for women who married at an early age to continue their education after marriage. Among the reasons for this are the opinions that the developments in our lives should follow a certain line. It seems to me that everything in our country should follow a sequence. A man must finish his military service first.
Then he must become the owner of a business, "he must be the bread winner". Marriage can happen after they've been accomplished. An idea of moving on with woman’s career frightens her husband. He is afraid that she won't like him anymore if she develops herself. In fact, as career and power at the very beginning of the man's self-confidence is the reason that a woman prefers to choose one of the following men, later she wants to get into business and career life, that what scares men.
College student's marriage is out of the question. Close relationships started during college years are yet to be postponed for the reason that the man "does not hold bread in his hand". However, this delay has a negative impact on the relationship, it takes a long time to get into business, complete military service. During this time, women and men stay away, especially the changes that business life has made on one's life expectancies can also be a result of the couple’s not liking each other.
The appeal of the awards
One feature of the people we find attractive is that they give us some form of delivery, that is, they meet a need, and they do it for us! Social psychologists call it the award theory. There are two types of awards, direct prize and linked award. The direct reward is the positive aspects of being with someone. We'd like to be with people who encourage us and keep us interested. We enjoy being with someone smart and funny. Money and status will attract us. The linked reward is the characteristics of the environment we are in, which is not directly related to the person we are in. We can find someone attractive because we're with someone in pleasant surroundings. Although this man or woman is not directly a person who creates a pleasant environment, he may be attractive to us because of his connection to the pleasant situation. Finding someone attractive the needs, preferences and wishes of that person are related to the perceived characteristics of that person and to the environment that these two individuals encounter. How we perceive our needs and respond to the situation; our perception of the opposite can affect our desires and our reaction to the situation; the situation can affect our preferences and perceptions.
Why is beauty the first reasonof choicefor many people?
"Beauty seems to be the most important in most people's peer choice. However, beauty does not contribute to the success of the relationship. Can you explain why people prefer the good one?"
At least when we first meet, we react more positively to people who are physically attractive. The more beautiful we find someone, the more willing we are to meet him or go out with him. So, why is beauty so effective?
On the cover of Newsweek Magazine dated June 3, 1996, a man and a woman looking at each other admiring, the title is: the biology of beauty, discovered about the science of sexual pleasure.
In Antarctica, penguins are looking for partners to mate, and they choose the chubby and plump ones that can sit on the eggs for a few weeks. Hens prefer roosters with shiny ornaments, thus guaranteeing a disease-resistant chickens. Of course, these animals are not aware of their urges, but they are clearly choosing a partner. Attraction in the animal world is a certificate of biological quality, say scientists.
The situation in the human’s world is not very different. In the United States, 400,000 people each year, 48,000 men, apply to aesthetic surgery. In other parts of the world, people are adorned with wounds to their faces, by putting rings in their lips, and by wearing bright feathers elsewhere. In an African tribe, women wear big rings to add a new one to their necks. It’s not possible to marvel at what people put up for beauty, even if the tie is sometimes thought of as disturbing. It’s not a fault to be sick, it’s an honour and it’s our responsibility to take care. Do you really need it? A scientist who deals with human attractiveness says, "you can't show that beauty is not practiced at any time in history and anywhere in the world and in society."
In survey carried out by showing photographs to people from different cultures, it was found that the preferences related to attraction resemble each other in different cultures. The whole world, considering that a common understanding of beauty can cause the media to exclude the effect of the three to six month old babies in front of a screen and show a hundred photographs in another research. Even those babies who are not likely to be affected by the media are looking at the attractive white women's faces for longer time than others, in a way that shows that they prefer the face.
It’s thought that beauty can be important because it’s an indicator of being healthy. In the world where a rotten tooth, an inflamed skin, a lice head is used as a tool of beauty, no village can be shown. Scorpio flies, whose wings are smooth, are more successful in the competition for food and farming. Even if they don't see it, females probably prefer these smooth symmetric winged males because of their smell. The researchers then turned to people and measured the length of the foot, wrist, hand, elbow, chest, ear and searched for human symmetry. The results show that symmetrical men experience sexual experiences at a much earlier age than asymmetrical ones and are more likely to have sex with a larger number of women. However, these "symmetrical" “handsome” men are less careful about their partners and tend to deceive their wives.
How does this symmetry affect us, since we don't go around with the rulers? Those with symmetrical bodies are generally more healthy, muscular and athletic, and have dominant character traits. Women with low back hip rates between 0.6 and 0.8 (waist circumference between 60% and 80% of hip circumference) were found to be more fertile than others. It has been observed that women who apply for a tube baby tend to have body measurements beyond these proportions. So there's a relationship between symmetry and fertility. Or we prefer the beautiful ones, that is, the symmetrical ones, and we prefer the fertile ones without realizing it.
So what does all this mean? Of course, human beings can't be reduced to DNA packets. We do this in a complex social system when choosing our sexual partner and the person we are going to marry. By trying to explain our preferences in an evolutionary way, we may not have explained all aspects of human behavior, but we have known our weaknesses and tendencies. Should we try to taste any kind of natural selection that we have preserved? Of course not. There is no scientist who seriously thinks that nature should be a moral guide.
Well, why not all of the people are symmetrically beautiful, as all the tigers are striped, or have red feathers on their breast like thrushes? In fact, if we evaluate the beauty of people in general in terms of symmetry, we may say that we are more "ugly" than animals. This is probably because many factors other than fertility are effective among people's preferences. There are features that are not available in animals such as intelligence, power, wealth, fame, intellect, intelligence, creativity and family, and can be more effective than physical beauty on personal attraction. If it wasn’t like that, only beautiful and handsome people could marry, but that's not the case at all.
Women’s andmen’s differences in terms of social evolution and peer selection
"Can you explain the difference between women and men in terms of beauty preferences and social evolution?"
Whether you believe in biological evolution or not, it’s inevitable that we have evolved socially. We can see that social norms, rules, forms of management, forms of production and consumption, and the relations between people affected by them have changed over the years, even in our own fleeting life. In the “Braveheart” film, a tradition in medieval Europe, called "the right of the Lord" or "the right of the first night" is being processed. According to this tradition, the Lord is with every young girl who marries before her husband. We're all so lame. But most people did follow this tradition, except for the protagonist of the film. This tradition, which is against the institution of marriageandhumanity, has disappeared in some way.The factors that men and women take into consideration when choosing their spouses are also thought to have evolved. Among the people there is a saying, "a man seeks a woman and a woman seeks a husband".
To those who think that the difference of views is evil it can be told: the reproductive potential of a woman is limited and the male’s is almost unlimited, for this reason, while a man looks for woman more caring about her sexuality, a woman is looking for a man who will stay with her after she gives birth to a child. She pays more attention to a man's character, his loyalty, and whether he will leave her in difficult times. In addition to this general explanation, of course the woman's view of sexuality is influenced by the culture in which it’s experienced and can vary greatly from culture to culture.
