How to keep a happy marriage, what you should pay attention to

Secrets of Happy Marriage

Unfortunately, we encounter a lot of unhappy marriage stories and we hardly hear the stories of happy couples

We talk and discuss about reasons for unhappy marriages and can say nothing about happy marriages’ secrets. How can they manage to be and remain happy in marriage?As a result of the detailed research of married couples Gottman identified 9 common features of happy marriages:

• Spouses in happy couples make a healthy distance from the family they came from. That is, they manage to separate from them without severing ties with their parents (and siblings). Thus, they form a new Union with their spouse and now recognize that they are members of a new family outside of their parents ' family (the main family).
• Just as happy couples have learned to be "we", so they don't forget to be " I". Even if they should always consult with his partner and take decision according to their mutual opinion, they also can move independently when each of the need it. The spouses often have different hobbies or pastime and can spend their time separately.
• They also easily adapted to each other's sexuality in terms of the quantity and quality of sex. Partners in such couples can openly talk about their expectations and desires. And they ready to meet each other’s expectations.
• In addition, such a couple as this reached a compromise in the upbringing of children. They came to a consensus about how to treat their children, and how to raise them. And they both are taking an inordinate part in this process.
• Happy couples to face the problems together. They can support each other in a hard time.
• There are quarrels can be in happy couples But there is a distinction; they always accept individual differences of the partner and acts with this in mind. They are capable to control their anger during the quarrel. Such disputes are rather constructive instead of destructive. After that, a decision will be made on the issue under discussion. In this way, the spouses are getting better to understand each other and improve their relationships.
• Laughter is a significant indicator of a good relationship. All researches show that couples who laugh together are happier.
• When one of the spouses has problems or difficulties his partner always supports him. The spouses always know how to comfort each other.
• The happy couples can keep romantic atmosphere between them as it was at the beginning of their relationships. The image of the partner that each of them idealized in their head relative to their loved one is still, more or less, the same. To some extent, they still live with the same thoughts about their partners that they experienced in the early days.

Gottman’s researches also supported by clinical experience of therapists who work with couples. Besides these 9 points, there are other sources of happiness which are different for each couple. But primarily, efforts that every happy couple make to improve their relationships are the most determining factor for attitudes.

The Formula for a happy and lasting marriage

Spring has come, weddings are going on one after another... wedding ceremonies bring couples new excitement, happiness, responsibilities, and a new order of life. But these changes may not meet the expectations of couples, not all couples are able to take such responsibility.Marriage is probably one of the most difficult exams for relationships. Especially the first years can be difficult for couples. Indeed, according to the Turkish Statistical office, 39.6 percent of divorces last year appear to have occurred in the first 5 years of marriage.

So, what is the formula for a happy and long-lasting marriage, how to accept and get used to a new way of life?

Four horsemen of the Apocalypse

He noted that there are four main elements to look out for in all relationships, and explained these elements as follows: “"Gottman, who has done many years of research in the field of marriage and relationships, says that by watching 10 minutes of a couple's video, he can 91 percent accurately predict whether a couple will get divorced or not. This means that it is not so difficult to identify errors and what we are doing correctly.”

The most common mistake is the Accusation

According to Gottman, the most common mistakes that damage relationships are mistakes that he calls the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Professor John Gottman, after a 10-minute observation of a couple's quarrel, predicts exactly in 91 percent whether they will divorce or not. As we mentioned above, the first in the list of such indicators is "accusation". Another mistake is humiliation or contempt.

• If the quarrel between spouses begins with the sentence like: “Why you are so angry?” or “You always try pushing me and you contempt me!” it shows that there is an unhealthy relationship between them. As a rule such phrases do not lead to a productive dialogue.
• Keep score: always try to reveal the partner’s mistakes.
• To hint: instead of speaking clearly to try to hint and talk allegorically
• To take the relationship hostage: there is a huge difference between “I feel that you've become colder to me ” and “I can't maintain a relationship with someone who treats me coldly!”