How To Be Happy In A Marriage
Why Your Marriage Ends And How Can You Save It
Marriage is the most discussed institution in 21st century.
Is it proper for our life styles? Is it women or men who destroys relationships? What do women and men want from a relationship and can not have? What mistakes are made mostly by women and men in relationships? Why divorce is seen mostly in the first year of marriages? Our article will be about these questions regarding to science.
Nowadays there are marriages which last or don’t. People have started to think that marriage concept was more successful before than present. Experts are telling that the main reason why marriages are not working is the changing in expectation and rules. People start to think that if getting married is a right, then getting a divorce should also be a right. Another thing is, the more divorced people around, the more people have started to normalize it. During wedding preparation process it gives relief to the couple when they think that if it not works they can have a divorce. In this way marriage decision can be made easier. More crime? More prison. Can this be a solution? Experts tell that the answer is no and they also inform that we need more professional help for the couples who have problems but do not know how to solve them.
Every problem is an opportunity
According to experts, every problem is an opportunity for couples to create stronger connection. In problematic marriages, couples avoid solving these problems and instead they choose to walk away from the troubles in their life. There is even worst. Divorced people usually can not put up with troubles during their next relationship also because they are hoping a coupling purified and without any problems which is an impossible dream.
Divorce is happening the most during first year of a marriage
Worldwide statistics show that marriage rate decreases, divorce rate goes up, reproduction rate decreases, marriage age goes up and living together without a marriage rates increase. Researches show that divorce rate goes up double from 1970s to 2000s. Divorce rate in USA is almost 50-55% and in Europe it is 40-45%. We can see that divorcing can be seen mostly in the first year of a marriage. More than 50% can be seen in first 7 years. Experts are telling that the rate of getting married after divorcing in 75%. All these statistics show that trust in marriage concept and demand for getting married decreased. Even if the divorce rate is approximately 50%, the need of connection can be seen from society because 90½ of them still want to get married or already married.
Experts are saying that marriage is the only victory for a relationship. People get married because they think that it can be more enjoyable if they get married. They also think that it is better to live with the one you love than being alone.
Love is not enough
Starting marriage with loving each other can not affect the happiness rate in the future for a couple. The reasons which are starting a marriage are not same reasons which are going to make the marriage continue. Even if love starts a marriage, only love is not enough to continue a marriage. We can tell same things for logical marriages also. The biggest mistake which is made before marriage is even the couple sees the problems of each other so clearly (alcohol, violence, unfatihfullness..etc.) they still believe that people can change. The belief of ‘our love will make everything beautiful’ usually ends with disappointment.
Couple’s competition during first years
First years of a marriage are always a competition. In this process both sides try to make the other side accept their rules. After a while it turns into a who’s right, who’s wrong competition. The worst part is, there is no winner of this competition. It seems impossible to solve problems without talking and listening.
It is not the men or women who make relationships more complex. The problem is the relationship between these men and women. In happy marriages partners put the problem in front of them and stand together at the other side and behave as a team. In unhappy marriages, partners put each other at the other side and start arguing. Experts are telling that the hardest thing in a marriage is to see the partner not as bad as leaving or as good as staying forever.
In relationship men give importance to power, rivalry and success, women give importance to love, communication and relationship. When women and men do not realize that they have different needs, there is no satisfaction which is expected. Experts are saying that we should not think that difference is opposite of equality. We can still be equal and different from each other.
Family’s role in Relationships
Family members have both positive and negative effects on marriages. The biggest problem is that the couples who do not know how to react when they face with family’s intervention. In this process, men usually take an unnecessary role of referee between their mother and their wife. This makes men both tired and moreover their refereeing considered as unfair. This is why young people who want to get married should first be themselves and know what they really want from this life.
Mistakes that women make in a Marriage
- Discourses and behaviors which makes men worthless in a community.
- Always talking about the past
- Acting like they are not appreciate things that men do and acting like they always trying to change their husbands
- Talking like accusing men
- Talking too much and not mentioning about the main problem. Women usually are hard pressed to be quiet and men are usually hard pressed to hear and understand.
Mistakes that men make in a Marriage
- Can not expressing their interest in their wifes
- Can not showing their love or emotions enough
- Can not creating a communication
- Not showing a sign or reaction to the things that women are talking about
- Not trying to understand with making empathy, instead trying to find fast solutions
- Forgetting important dates
- Criticizing their wifes’ maternity
- Giving value to their parents more than their wifes
A successful Marriage
- Couples who have learned to live together with their differences
- Couples who have communication skills
- Couples who accept that of course there will be problems in every marriage and the main thing is to solve these problems together
- Couples who have families with good marriage can have successful marriages.
The hardest thing to forgive and forget for both women and men are unfaithfulness and violence. Women generally want to know that they are appreciated, are liked, are listened and understood. Women expect men to understand and make empathy, men expect fast solutions.
A happy Marriage
- Good communication
- Solving problems together
- Togetherness with individuality
- Common aims and goals
- Trust
- Consistency
- Loving not your dreams but the real person in front of you
- Being happy in a routine life
Marriages end when giving is more than taking
Competition between men and women during first years in a marriage brings anger and disagreements with it. In the following years tiredness turns into hopelessness and silence, than alienation begins.
Nobody gets married to be unhappy, however at the end marriages end unhappily.
Why marriages are changing? Because in all relationships which had started with romantic feelings rewards are more than compensations. This area in which the partners’ focus is on each other, the things which are wanted to be heard are heard, no economical problems, nice surprises called ‘’blindness’’. People who experience this love blindness see their partner as they dream.
Experts are saying that marriage is the cure for this blindness. In marriage, there is no dreams, there is only reality. The disappointments of two different people sharing a home and a routine life, pressures of the families, economical troubles, home works, other problems, differences in priorities, children start to occur. The worst part is, both sides are accusing each other because of this. The troubles which partners experience in the beginning of a marriage differ from the problems which are experienced in following years. During first years, as we have mentioned before, couples find themselves in a competition. In this process fights, arguments and disagreements are faced. In following years, alienation starts and time which is spent together seems not that enjoyable. This process called ‘’marriage tiredness’’. The process occurs because of emotional, physical and intellectual exhaustion. During a bad marriage, arguments and anger can dominate the marriage however during marriage exhaustion a silence and a feeling of emptiness dominates the house. Marriage is protecting ‘me’ and creating ‘us’ and in marriage exhaustion couples are protecting ‘me’ but can not create an ‘us’.
Every talk is not communication and if the efforts for talking end with arguments, anger and disagreement, partners become scared of talking. In this situation talking becomes not a reward but a punishment. For a good communication one should learn the rules of being a good speaker and a good listener. In a good communication, it is not important what to say but it is important the way one say it. to continue a marriage, first rule is having a good communication and the second rule is solving problems together. It is important to accept that there can be lots of problems in a long marriage and these problems can be solved.
Turning a romantic relationship into a caring one needs time. Caring is not only an instantaneous physical or chemical attraction or love, caring needs effort. Every emotion has a time and when the time is over, emotions are gone. Sometimes caring is to give your partner what he or she needs even if it makes you give up on your own needs. Trust is also very important in a caring relationship. Caring relationship includes honesty, loyalty and commitment.
Unfaithfulness
It is a hard decision to cheat for the people who can love each other and put effort in their relationship because it means they take a big risk of destroying the relationship.
Experts are telling that sometimes even people who love their partner can cheat. They say it is about the thoughts in people’s minds like ‘everyone cheats’, ‘my partner never going to find out’, ‘this is nothing, I love my partner’. The unfaithfulness between partners who love each other sometimes can mean something like ‘’see me’’, which is a conclusion of lack of interest or some kind of revenge.
Women can be unfaithful because of lack of hope, lack of thrill, still in need to be loved. Men on the other side cheat just because they are attracted by one. Women take the risk of finishing their relationship when they cheat, however men do not think about this option.
Unfaithfulness Types
To attract attention
This kind of unfaithfulness is like a suicide attempt which has no intention of dying. It lasts short and sometimes do not even include any physical approach. The aim is to give a message of being neglected.
3 legged unfaithfulness
Normally, there are 2 legs of a marriage relationship. the more troubles occur in marriage, the more these 2 legs having hard time to carry these problems. To have a balance, 3rd leg becomes a part of the relationship via unfaithfulness. At this point, for the cheater his or her marriage is not as bad as being over but still not going well. Cheater needs the different personal qualifications of both his or her partner and the 3rd person. This unfaithfulness usually lasts longer and finishes by 3rd person.
Revenge
In revenge cheating, offended and suffered side in a marriage wants to make his or her partner also feel bad and this is why cheats. It is usually because of something in the past, something that cheater could not express the feelings about it enough.
Unfaithfulness with a new beginning
This kind of cheating shows that the cheater loses all his or her feelings to his her partner.
Opportunist Unfaithfulness
People who used to know each other but have not think about cheating before can be count in.
Is there a difference between cheating and unfaithfulness? Experts are saying that unfaithfulness simply means to ignore the standards and expectations of a relationship by means of an emotional and physical relationship with a 3rd person. Cheating on the other hand, is to tell lies and behaviors which are far from honesty as a result of unfaithfulness. Unfaithfulness is a choice, while cheating is an inevitable reason of this process.
If you start focusing on what your partner can not give you more than what he or she gives, if you make a habit to accuse your partner because of the things goes bad, if you have started to think that you were and are not in love with your partner, if you have started to be attracted by other people, if you think someone else is listening and understanding you better than your partner, if you think that your partner is a good mother or father but not a good partner, if you think you have tried lots of things but these things are not working and if your hope is gone, it means your marriage have started to give an alarm.
It seems like some personalities are tend to experience problems whomever they are having a relationship with. These people have responsibility, violence and selfishness problems and are called psychopath or sociopath by society and antisocial by experts.
Most constructive approach for one is to be open and honest to his or her partner. Showing love and giving value can be counted in too. Experts are saying that in our culture people begin to suspect their partner because of the disappointments and mistakes can be made.
