Tips On How To Avoid A Crisis In A Relationship

A Learning Guide for Live Together with Newlyweds

Marriage is one of the most important points in human life. Prior to this, if we do not count childhood and adolescence, there is a period to finish school and create a life independent of parents.

The most important job in this life cycle is to form an individual's career and find a spouse / lover. When the couple, who came together during this period and decided to spend their lives together, decided to marry, a new life cycle was initiated. Of course, like every new life period, the first experience here is resistance to stress and change. Although it is a decision that this couple made very willingly, a system is changing and there is a need to adapt to the new system; this is a painful process. The person's lifestyle will change, new responsibilities will be taken, and most importantly, he will open a new page to establish his own family and life by becoming independent from the individual's family.

This means growing at the same time… Growing strengthens but also challenges. Many young families are experiencing great inner tension as they begin to fly under their safe and comfortable wings, especially if they have had a family that is very protective and takes full responsibility; the young person has a hard time leaving, separating from the family. These tensions can be reflected in their relationships if they are not noticed by individuals.

In addition, when flirting, the couple hasn't taken part in these responsibilities yet, there is always the possibility of separation, leading a more independent life with their families or in their own homes. However, marriage will now become a family, responsibilities and expectations will change accordingly. With the marriage decision, many issues may arise beforehand, which are not in the dating period.

For example, the families of both sides begin to appear on the scene, especially if there is a conflict or conflict between the two families and this situation can't be managed well, it will be reflected in the couple's relationship. We see a lot of problems especially during engagement or wedding preparations. Couples can have a lot of problems due to many reasons such as making joint decisions, balance of power, expectations, differences of opinion, money issues, cultural differences of families and something else.

Spouses get used to each other still continues after getting married. For this reason, we often encounter divorces in the first 1-2 years of marriages. There are big conflict between couples who can't get used to each other and their marriage life, accept the differences and adapt to this, and sometimes this can result in divorce. A newly based on home life has new rules and expectations. If there is no good communication between the couple, if they haven't talked about these beforehand, if they can't manage conflicts well, quarrels are still inevitable.

In addition, if there are problems in the first years of marriage, especially with family sizes has same problem and if reconciliation and relationship control is not achieved well, this feeling of tightness is also reflected in the couple's relationship. Especially the person who is between the family (a family member) and her husband is the one most affected by this.

The most common problem issues in marriages are the budget of the house, namely the money issue, the division of labor at home, the roles of women and men, and sexuality. The budget management and division of labor should be discussed each other, perhaps even before the couple live in the same house. It must be met on a common matter, so that it does not cause conflicts. In fact, marriage is like a building new business. The same thing is for marriage, just as all details are considered, a compromise is reached, contracts and job descriptions are made when building a new business. Of course, we are not talking about a very technical thing, but speaking and reconciliation of verbal or non-verbal agreements makes this marriage adaptation period much easier.

As for sexuality, it is very important for the couple to be harmonious about this issue and to talk about expectations and desires. Most of the time, sexual incompatibilities at the beginning of marriage are reflected in both sexual life and the overall relationship in the long term, and can lead to conflicts and divergence.

• Which behaviors force couples?

The most challenging behaviors and attitudes of the couple are primarily to try to change the opposite side instead of accepting each other as they are. However, everyone wants to be loved and accepted unconditionally; The essence of our existence is to be seen and understood. The person who feels this is already open to compromise. When the couples don't do this, they are in a power struggle, when they try to change each other the relentlessly, tightness increases, conflicts arise, despair, lovelessness, lack of understanding and the relationship is very damaged. Besides;

- To be offended,

- Making indirect implications rather than expressing yourself,

- Not having enough and good time for each other,

- Thinking as permanent relation and leave things as they are

- Not expressing interest, love and especially appreciation sufficiently,

- Ignoring the new family integrity and allowing other people to intervene too much in your

relationships,

- Not respecting each other's special areas,

- The two sides don't forgive to each other when necessary, to make stubbornness,

- Enforce the couples to make "break up" conversation in every discussion.

• Suggestions for marriage relations to not turn into a crisis

One of the most important ways for conflicts between the couple to not turn into a crisis is to learn good communication. Let's do not forget, communication is an art. Generally the most common mistakes in communication in marriage; accusatory and critical expression style is to reveal all the anger immediately without passing not much time on the issues, to go to the defense frequently, to not listen one of spouses while other spouse talks and the other to feel rejected, disdain and humiliation. In such a communication, it is not possible for people to feel understood, to reach the place of the messages given to each other and to compromise.

Another way is to increase the positive interaction between the couple, to enjoy the time spending together, to give enough good time to each other, to express interest and love well; thus, strengthening the couple's positivity. The more and stronger this is, the nervous in marriage can be tolerated, the issues can be solved and the peace can be maintained in the marriage in between.

My observation is that the support of a specialist is very important in relationships that have turned into a crisis. The crisis is the end point, the things that are not working while trying, the issues has been complicated . In such cases, a specialist helps the couple to better understand the nervous between the couple and help them find solutions and overcome the problems, and guides them on what should be done to avoid a crisis again. Let's not forget that if every crisis is well evaluated and constructively used, it brings with it both personal and relational development, as long as it is understood. Couples often resort to specialists in case of problems. My suggestion is that they will continue after the crisis situation is resolved because when there is no crisis, it is more possible and healthier to solve the problems, compromise and improve the relationship in the marriage.

If there is love and respect, acceptance of each other who person is, a moderate approach to reconciliation, good communication and friendship in the marriage, there won't be unresolved issue. Disagreements in marriage, different characteristics in marriage, getting used to new rules and roles, nervous about extended families will be possible problems, but they will be overcome with a constructive dialogue and understanding.

My suggestion is that spouses have common special shares, common areas and individual areas in every marriage. Then the relationship is much healthier. If there are common and individual areas between couples, there would be good relationship. Stress is better tolerated in that way. The external stress affects the home life is reduced. Thus, everyone should have discharged own areas so that they don't reflect on each other. It is also important to respect and protect individual life. For example, if a guest is to be invited to the house, asking whether the other spouse is suitable that day, while one side is very tired, the other supports his/her spouse about the things he/she doesn't normally do, they don't force each other to what they don't want, but they can stretch the boundaries on very important issues for the other.

It is important to say no, to express the requests and expectations clearly, to express constructively and softly at a convenient time without keeping the things that are disturbed, to protect these limits and freedom.How much of the problem and crisis is normal and how much is abnormal may differ for each couple or even for each individual. Some members are raised with a lot of conflict, loud and even violence in their families, while others come from quieter families with less fights and more understanding. In this case, the environment that both parties are accustomed to and the way they deal with conflict may be different. For some, it is normal to fight by shouting unless there is violence, and even discussing for others can be perceived as abnormal.

The important thing is that the couple know each other and their past well, understand and meet on a common ground. Trying to objectively understand what his/her overreacting spouse is in a particular situation behind this reaction is an important issue for compromise. Wherever there is an overreaction, it is probably the trigger of unfinished childhood stories or traumatic events in life… For example, we can see that a person who gets on the cubes or gets upset with anxiety when one of spouses doesn't pick up his/her phone has a serious abandonment story with his/her parents in the past story, but for the outside viewer, a very strange and extreme reaction… whereas the person whose phone is not picked up can experience the feeling of rejection, abandonment of his/her childhood… It is very important to understand these, to know spouse well, to ask him/her sincere and really curious questions. For this, there must be a good atmosphere of friendship and trust between the couple.

However, if the problems can't be solved in some way, the couple is stretched like a bow and comes to the point of explosion at the slightest difficulty, it starts to move away emotionally and physically from each other, if it is directed towards third parties or objects, if the couple becomes enemies instead of friends, everything is perceived as negative, If it is not enjoyed, if the slightest conversation results in a fight, then we see that the relationship is eroded and if the precaution is not taken, they come to the point of breaking up or if they don't break up, they live a life of unhappy life.

• Do parents have an impact on these crises? How to deal with these?

Of course, as I said above, unfinished childhood issues have behind some of the conflicts and crises. As a specialist says, "We ​​deliberately choose some partner in this life and these people are constantly giving us the nightmares of the unfinished experiences of our childhood… 'Lovelessness, guilt, neglect, worthlessness, inadequacy, etc. the most basic issues are generally. The difficulties we have had while catching up, the conflicts we couldn't handle with our parents, feels that we don't have, and the negative beliefs we created without being aware about us when a child that shows who you are, and shows the relationship that partner we ​​often choose. For this reason, I recommend that people who have still difficulties in their relationship whatever they did, get an individual therapy support. Because even though the problem we face seems to be related to our spouse, there are also things that awaken and trigger us; so two-sided .

Removing these issues from where we try to bury them, confronting them even though it is difficult, raising awareness and leaving it, healing ourselves and healing our wounds ... Thus, we can prevent the same scenarios and cycles from happening again, even if we are in vain, it is likely to experience similar problems with the person we chose. In fact, our children also get their share from these cycles, unwittingly, passed on from generation to generation, bad communication, emotion and behavior cycles.

We always have to take a step back and understand why we react… What does this remind me… Is this feeling about my partner or me? How much have I leaved from my parents? Or am I still dependent on them to get approval or identify myself? It is useful to ask ourselves such questions.I strongly recommend that couples who conflict, fight, and have difficulties in dealing with issues during the dating period should get counseling before marriage. This is done very often in America. The earlier things are intervened and resolved without accumulation, impregnation, other responsibilities and stress on the relationship, the better the marriage standards of the couple.