Advices On Partner Choosing
Is Marriage really Necessary
Nobody is Robinson Crusoe. Even he was so happy when he found a friend. Marriage has been blessed, cared and seen as a must because it covers all the basic needs such as having a shelter, to be fed and to reproduce.
However at the same time it is a concept which people complain about the most. Usually people who have some problems, whose life is not going well, who can not realize the dreams they have. As if they were so happy when they were single, as if they could reach their ideals if they were single. They both get married and complain about it. They complain, but never give up on their marriage. So young people think, maybe they should not get married. Jokes like ‘’single woman is half woman, when she gets married she is completed, single man is half man, when he gets married he finishes completely.’’ Confuse the young people’s head. However most of the people’s life is aimless before they get married.
When we see people we used to know, we wonder if they got married or not. The people who got married seems more peaceful, more productive and always have a smile on their face.
It is important to get married for men to grow up and for women to strengthen their personality.
First determine what you want
As you know, if someone says ‘’I can do any job’ probably can not find a proper job, even can not find any job. However if that person can determine what he or she wants, with this relief he or she can find a job easier. For marriage, it is the same. To determine what kind of person you want for marriage is almost half of the way. But of course first you should determine your own personality, your tendencies and you needs. This means for the beginning, you should know yourself better.
What is important for you in relationships and in family life? Peace, sharing, support, thrill or trust? What are your priorities which you can not give up or what are the things that you can not accept? You should determine the answers for sure. You should list your needs, expectations and conditions at least with 10 sentences.
Having same ideals is good but not enough
The most important thing while choosing your life partner is sharing same ideals. You should give importance to the goals and value judgments of the person you are going to spend your life with. Will your life be about pleasure or sacrifice? Do you prefer to spend all your money to have a better life conditions or to charities? When you have kids, what kind of education will you prefer for the children? How will your social life be? Harmonies in these kinds of foundational preferences are must haves for a good marriage.
In a research called ‘’what is the conditions of a good marriage’’ resulted as ‘’sharing same beliefs and ideals’’ this is why the first thing you should check while searching your life partner is if you share the same ideals or not. Your life partner should support you until the end.
‘’He/She is not what I want for now, but he or she will change in time’’ this is a lie. Please do not lie to yourself. Do you have a guarantee that your partner will change? Can he or she give you a guarantee about it? or do you just enjoy gambling? Or do you like danger?
Sharing same ideals is the most important point, however not the only important point. It is necessary however it is not enough. You should not get married with someone just because he or she is sharing same beliefs and ideas with you. If we stop and think, even same ideals can be differing from person to person.
Caring is necessary, love is risky
It is a classical question, is love necessary for marriage or not? Of course everyone’s answer will be yes of course. However it is not love which is necessary, it is caring. Do not say no immediately, lets make the naming right.
Caring means to feel the need of your partner, being happy when you are with your partner, to tolerate the missing parts of your partner’s personality. Love is on the other, can not be without your partner and be blind to your partner’s personalities missing parts. This kind of love is actually unhealthy. Do you think you can build a healthy relationship with an unhealthy feeling? Obsessive love can be considered as a sickness. However because of the modern era’s clichés most of the young people think love is necessary for marriage. These people become slaves of their love and put their mind one side and marry with the wrong person. For a lover, his or her partner is perfect, made for him or her.
However love is a temporal feeling and when it’s gone the mistakes which were not seen before now become visible. Relationship which starts with enthusiasm ends with frustration. Moreover, these kinds of unrealistic loves put an uneasiness in your partner’s mind and he or she starts to think ‘’what if my partner realizes that I am not the one he/she sees? What will happen then?’’ and the ones who put their partners on top is the same ones who put them below after realizing that their partner is not the one they thought. You should definitely go far away if someone sees you better than you are. You should find someone who can see your mistakes but forgive them, a supportive and realistic one.
Being happy on your own
2 unhappy people can not create a happy family. If you could not find happiness on your own and if your happiness depends on other people, you should better not be happy. Because you can not. If you are a happy person when you are single, you will be even happier when you get married. If your single life is boring, problematic and restless then you should not be dreaming about being happy when you get married. Do not forget, a good marriage can not fix a bad life, however a good life can lead to a good marriage.
It is both not logical and risky to put so much meaning in marriage. Because the person you are going to marry is also a human being, not a fairytale character.
These kinds of people with the affect of dreams and fairytales expect every problem will end when they get married. However this expectation will bring a serious disappointment and anger together because marriage is not miracle. If we will not change, tomorrows will be the same. First, we should learn how to be happy on our own and then we should get married. Do not forget, happiness increase when shared.
Marriage is getting along well and people get along well with talking. the person you like can be proper to you with his or her appearance, lifestyle and personality however if there is a missing part when you start talking with each other, you should be careful! Even arguing can be nice if its with a nice conversation. However, lack of communication is a nightmare. If your mind explores while talking with your partner, this is good. However, despite the love you have for your partner, if you are having hard times to understand your partner’s words, it’s a hard process. Because you can not try to communicate with your mimics until the end of your lives. If you can not talk with your partner either you start to talk with yourself or you start to talk with other people, both are very risky.
‘’You should get married for sure. If you get along well you will be happy, if you can not you will be a philosopher’’
Besides talking, there is also a flirting period. It is normal for people to try to know each other with flirting. However this period usually do not reflect the reality.
When you see someone only part times in a day, meet somewhere, having a conversation is not a reflection of reality. For example someone can be quiet and have a calm life for 23 hours a day and the 1 hour which he or she spends with you he or she can be very active and talkative. And if you like active and talkative people, you may enjoy this person. However, when it comes to marriage, you may see that the active and talkative person you like can stand these kinds of things only for one hour and arguments start.
So how can we choose the person we are going to get married without flirting? Actually it is not required a long time for knowing a person. Researches show that especially women can categorize the person they’ve met in first 3 minutes. For a careful person, face, mimics, voice, the way one talks and even the words can give important signs. For example you told your partner candidate ‘’ Weather is so nice today, isn’t it? And you may get different answers.
- It is really great, it makes me feel so happy! (optimistic, alive)
- Do you like this kind of weather so much? (careful, close)
- (controlling)
- You are right, it is beautiful, isn’t it? (coherent, sharing)
- It was better 3 days ago (living in the past)
- And we stuck at home, what a shame! (pessimistic, complainer)
As you can see, there are lots of analyzes from a single sentence. It will be enough just to look at your partner candidate, listen carefully and see the tips. This way you will not need to kiss lots of frogs before meeting the right one.
Know Your Life Partner Well
To know the person in your life, you should know yourself first. You should get rid of from your obsessions and distresses. Now think about your life partner. Can you describe what kind of person your partner is? If you can not describe him or her with 10 sentences at least, it means you do not know your partner. And if you like him or her without even knowing him or her, this can be about a complex you have not realize, be careful!
We can give an example for you to understand better:
For instance you are experiencing some economical problems. You should immediately find money from somewhere. Meanwhile, you met with a writer. He has interesting ideas, he is telling you about his last book. But you can not even listen to him because all you think is your money problem. You are thinking whether he has money or not. Because your emergency is money, your problem which occupies your head avoids you to know him, even if you talk for hours.
Same thing happens when you have complexes about being liked or cared. You are always thinking that people are not giving you what you deserve. In this case it will be so easy even for a liar and a cheater can have you if they show you a little interest. You think this person can be the one you are looking for to solve your complexes however you can not see the mistakes which are usually very easy to see. Afterwards you will start complaining ‘’I could not understand how he was before we got married, how couldn’t I’’
The answer is very clear. You never really look at your partner. The only topic you’ve interested was to be liked from someone. This is why we are telling you that you should first find your obsessions and solve them to make right choices and then you should look at the person in front of you without affected by anything, try to know and understand that person.
Of course you will choose your life partner however you can get consultation from some people you value their thoughts. Especially if you are in love, you should definitely ask some people’s opinion because you can not see clearly. Do they see you as an equal and matching couple? Experience is more important than you think, believe us. However of course, you should make the final decision in this situation also. You’ll never find someone better than you for your life choices.
Unfortunately us humans are highly obsessive and do not give chance to be an individual to each other in a relationship. This is why for example families forcing their children to marry with the ones they do not want and young people do not want to take the responsibility of choosing a life partner and let their parents decide for them or accept the force. However if they nicely and logically explain themselves and their decisions to their parents, why would they say no? who wants their children to be unhappy? If you say that they do not understand you because of the age difference, it means you are not talking with them nice enough. They used to be young like you, if you try to explain yourself in a nice way, they will understand. The reason why we are telling you about this is that we do not want your family disagree with you about your partner choosing. Because if you and your family disagree because of your partner, this situation will follow you even if you make a good marriage.
While examining your life partner, you should pay attention to that person’s relationship with his or her mother and father. Because it is a psychological truth that a girl’s relationship with her father and a boy’s relationship with his mother is the foundation of the behaviors which will be seen in the marriage. a girl which is raised distant by his father probably will be distant to her husband also. A boy who sees his mother taking care of everything probably will expect the same behaviors from his wife too. Moreover, if a father cares about his daughter so much, this girl will expect the same caring from her husband and a boy who has a dominant mother can not be happy with a passive woman. You should also consider properness between families. Even if you and your partner are really in a harmony, if your families can not get along well, it means you will face with some problems. This is the reason why you should find a partner whose family is equal to yours. Ask yourself ‘’can our families get along well? Can I get along well with them?
Timing for marriage
Wrong decisions are made during wrong times. If you are experiencing a depression you should definitely not make important decisions which will change your life. Because during hard times you can not evaluate the things well, you should wait to make a decision. During these kinds of times priorities change and one can not think healthy. While you are in depression and when you feel tired and feel in love spirits you can marry for example with an energetic and happy person and when you recover from depression you may think ‘’How can I live with someone this energetic’’ moreover, people who just want to escape from loneliness or from their family can be so regretful after few years.
Furthermore, age is also a very important issue during marriage. If we talk about gender, men are getting mature later. This is a physiological fact. It is really hard for a man to be ready for a marriage before 25. We can even say 30 for some men who can not take responsibilities.
For women on the other hand, we can say that they become ready for marriage and motherhood almost 20 year old. Of course for education and career we can take this age a little further. However it is better for a woman to have babies while she is young.
The things we have mentioned above are some factors which should be taken serious for a good marriage. of course you do not have to apply each one of these suggestions in your life however it is beneficial if you take them serious. This world is not heaven, and lots of people experience problems and troubles in their marriage so a perfect marriage dream can be a little too optimistic.
Do not wait for a fairytale character to get married. There are lots of people who eliminate lots of people because of small things and end up with someone they do not even like. If you expect an excellent relationship, we can ask you ‘’Do you know anyone who is exactly like you in this world? Physically, personally?’’ the answer is no of course. Because us human beings are unique. You may see lots of differences even in the most similar person to you. This is why do not wait for the perfect life partner.
If you have decided to get married after all, we are suggesting you to write down everything. The rules of your marriage life, the sacrifices which will be made, the responsibilities, which city are you going to live together..etc. all these topics should be written down by you and your partner in the beginning of your marriage so you can avoid further discussions about these kinds of things. Instead of arguing about whose word will be valid, you may just check the paper with your promises and signs. But the main benefit of this paper is not only this, the main benefit is to see the possible problems before and maybe avoid having a troubled marriage or fix it from the beginning, make it easy to make right decisions. So many secret dissonances which are not seen with the excitement of those times can be discovered with this way.
